The Torpe Road (Part 1)

Writing about your past helps to ease the excess baggage that you may have. Whether it is about your embarrassing moments, trouble at home or school and past girlfriends it can release the tension that you may still have. And also make you realize your mistakes and just laugh about it.

That’s why I’ve decided to write an entry like this. It’s a lot more personal. Taking a cue from local author Jay Panti, I wanted to tell my experiences that I had with the women that I wanted to win their heart… but got rejected, I declined and all the stuff in between. I’ve decided not to include my ex-girlfriend (yeah, I only had one. I’m a late bloomer) and recent girlfriend as they are someone who did not reject me. And taking another cue from a column that I read from Men’s Health, I left their

real names out and replaced them with the name of the place that they currently live or where they really live. So here it is; as R&B singer Usher used to say, “these are my confessions…”

It was 2001. I was a fourth-year high school student, with a big hope for the world outside after I graduate. I was hooked back then in Japanese animation, or Anime, as it is often called. I was also a late bloomer on everything. I just got used to not bringing a packed lunch prepared by my mother and in a good company with a very large group of friends, or what we call 13 @+!v0+Z!!! or Bativotz, spelled in a jejemon-like text (texting and modern cell phones were still at their infancy and jejemon was still not coined . Thank God.) Why that funky name? It’s a really funny story, actually. When I asked one of our so-called “leader” what’s the meaning of the name besides a nod to that classic children’s show, he also said “ dito kasi sa [tinatambayan] natin madaming mag-syotang nag-babate” Back then I don’t know what “bate” means. Now I’m wiser and even now I still don’t know if it really is true. But leave it to the high libido and adrenaline of teenagers to do a naughty deed like that.

Moving on to our story, I have a lot of crushes at school not to mention fantasies that I would “binabate” at my room. But none of them I have made the moves on. I was a “torpe” with girls and don’t know what to say, how to say, how to act, what to act, etc. So it comes as no surprise that I really faltered and where I really learned “the rules” on my first “niligawan”, New Zealand. New Zealand was a very beautiful girl. She had long, somehow curly black hair and of average height. She had these mesmerizing eyes and a wonderful sense of humor. She was a “kalog”, very energetic. But that’s not what I was drawn to at first.

It was our annual retreat. Being in a catholic school it was a requirement (unless you can provide a very good excuse and have your parents write you a letter) to go to a far-away place (like Laguna) managed by nuns and priests and reflect as well pray about our shortcomings as a Christian male and be a better one in return. Of course, girls and boys have separate rooms. At evenings and after our daily dose of reflection we would go back to our rooms and either sleep or talk to fellow classmates until the wee hours of the night. It was at that time that New Zealand confesses something to my fellow female classmates.

Girl 1: New Zealand, sino sa mga kaklase nating lalake ang crush mo?

New Zealand: Wala.

Girl 1: Sino nga? Imposible na wala…

New Zealand: Wala nga sabi…

Girl 2: Ang arte mo…

(large group of laughter)

(after the initial silence…)

New Zealand: Si (insert my name here) siguro…

One of my female classmates told me this after the retreat. She was a known gossiper so it’s credible. My first reaction was “ Talaga???” In truth, I never saw myself as the type that ladies fall heads-over-heels for. I was getting used to applying gel to my hair; my school bag was a rather large business-oriented one that seemed out of place. I was bullied by my classmates. It seemed like a moment where you stop making yourself miserable and get your head out of the oven.

After I knew that juicy bit, I talked to her more than before. I thought to myself “bakit naman hindi? Maganda rin naman siya. At pag naging jowa ko ito, tataas na respeto ng mga kaklase ko sa akin.” My approach was the humorous type. I joked of how handsome I am, of how I looked like a local now-very-famous matinee idol and accompanying her to wait for her folks to pick her up along with her younger sister who is also studying at the same school. Her friends noticed me making my moves and they approve of us. They even made some effort of making her be alone with me whenever there are times that there are no teachers and we just goofed around. After the part where we have discovered that there is no one teaching at our class, we would form small circles around our classmates that we would talk to. What they would do is not talk to New Zealand and makes her left out of the group. Then it would just be us. She noticed what her friends are doing but that did not stop me from making her fall for me. I also got help from her best friend, sometimes a little too much. But more on that later. One of the sweetest things I did for her is I drew a picture of herself dangling from a swing. While my artist skills are still developing, it was the effort that counted. Many of my friends and classmates noticed my “moves” on her and they teased us a lot. They would say things like “Whoooo!!! Nagbibinata na si (my name) !!!”

Her folks also noticed that as well. I don’t know if they approved of it, but all I can say is I got off to a bad start. You see, there’s this one part where we waited for her parents to pick her up. After I sent her to their Ford Ranger’s car door, I distanced myself and said:

Me: Sige, New Zealand, ingat ka!!!

New Zealand’s Mother: INGAT KAYO!!!

Me: Ay, oo nga po, Ingat kayo!!!

I was surprised at what her mother said to me. She corrected me in front of New Zealand. Apparently I should have wished THEM a safe journey instead of just her. I was totally embarrassed. I told my friends that bit and they said “ Ano?? Eh ang tatanga-tanga mo!! Mali nga yung unang mong sinabi! Kasama nya yung magulang nya so dapat sinabihan mo na “ingat kayo” para me pogi points ka sa kanila!!!” It was really, really, embarrassing and I don’t know, for me, her mother shouldn’t have said that to me. I was starting out. Give me some slack. But they don’t know that, so who am I to judge?

It was also that school year that I saw her blossom into a woman. There were two instances: the Junior-Senior Prom and our class musical play. At school, we are required to do a class musical play for our grades in English class. Never really knew why we would do something like that, I guess it’s to broaden our knowledge on great musicals. I mean, thanks to those, I knew musicals like “Starlight Express”, “Aida” and “Rent”. Our gay classmate and leader chose the more recent movie-musical “ Moulin Rouge” for our section. New Zealand was shocked that he picked her to play the part of Satine, played in the movie by Nicole Kidman. She never saw herself acting in front of a large crowd of students and teachers. She almost did not accept the part but constant egging by my classmates made her say yes. She was perfect for the part. She has the structure of Satine: long hair, angelic look and some curves. I almost got the part of playing Christian, played by Ewan McGregor, the love interest, at one time. I’m glad I didn’t get the part. Because at the night of the play, we don’t know what to do. In short, “nagkalat din kami.”But we managed to deliver an “okay” performance. It was at that time that she, as my budding writer-friend wrote on a school paper or something like that “ …this is New Zealand’s time. This will be her biggest role to commit ever. Where she would mature from a girl to a woman.” I liked how my friend wrote it. In a way, I’ll bet it is her biggest role ever.

Now, besides our annual retreat, we also have the prom which happened at the Holiday Inn near Roxas Boulevard where we dress up in formal clothes and reflect on the closing year; our graduating year. I was wearing a suit with no tie. I should have worn a tie. I almost bought one at the Holiday Inn store. Then while chatting with my friends of how we look “pogi” New Zealand suddenly appeared. Man, I swore when I saw her beautiful music was playing. The appropriate song would be “She” by Elvis Costello. She was in a black long dress with some sparkly bits on it and her hair was tied up in a bun. She was gorgeous. I managed to dance with her, almost to the point of pleading with my classmate to cut in. When we danced, I even don’t know how to hold her. One hand was on her waist while another was on her shoulder. Looking back, I should have placed both arms on her waist. Oh well.

It was at the end of the school year that I decided to pop the big question: New Zealand, will you be my girlfriend? I don’t know how it started, either I’ve been courting her for too long or I’ve been pressured by my fellow classmates. So there I was, on my usual “sinasamahan-siya-habang-hinihintay-ang-kanyang-mga-magulang” stint along with her younger sister at the front gate of the school. It ended up with me hanging out with her sister instead as her group of friends decided to do a photo-op at a nearby photo studio. I tried to strike a conversation with her sister to kill time because it took a while for her to come back. Then, when she came back, a few minutes later her folks are already at the front gate of the school. I was accompanying them when suddenly, I asked her:

Me: New Zealand…

New Zealand: Ano yun?

Me: Pwede na ba kitang maging…

New Zealand: Ano?

Me: …boyfriend?

(pause that seemed like eternity then she smiled in an awkward way)

New Zealand: Di pa, (my name) sobra pa akong bata, baka pag college na lang…

Me: Ay ganun ba? Oh sige...

Then I left them near the gate, I opted to not meet her folks as the pain was unbearable. I remember walking away in slow motion and sad music was playing in the background. It’s like in the movies. Shet, ganito pala feeling pag na-basted ka. I had a lot of things on my mind that day, like “ it’s okay, pare, ganyan talaga buhay.” Or “at least na-try mo…” I don’t remember how I got home that day, but all I can remember is that evening. I cried. I was on my knees on our living room, crying. I know that it is embarrassing when I looked back at that act, but it was my first love, pare!!! You never really forget that feeling.

At school news travelled fast. There are my classmates who laughed at my misfortune and some who gave a mental “fist bump” for mutual respect. I channeled my sadness on drawing cartoons, college and rapping. MYX channel was just starting and rock and OPM music was still dwindling and my age bracket enjoyed music from J. Lo,

Ja Rule, Ashanti, Eminem and Linkin Park. I knew the lyrics of the songs of Linkin Park at heart, so I always sung them and my classmates asked for them so they could also memorize it. Because of my knowledge of the songs I was privileged (if that is the right word for what I did) to sing and rap in front of the whole school. Some say “I rapped demonically”. In truth, I just mumbled words and I’ll bet half the school didn’t understand it. So, in a way, I was able to vent out my frustrations and sadness in a positive manner.

College came and I haven’t heard from her for a while. It took a while for me to move on properly. Probably took years. I befriended her on Friendster and nothing much has changed from her: she’s still the charismatic kalog I fell in love with. The last time I saw her in person was in 2004, when my classmates and I mounted an Art Exhibit. Seasons change and it seems she deleted her Friendster page for some unknown reason. She doesn’t have a Facebook page. Believe me, I’ve tried to search for her, even on Google. God knows if she’s still outside the country or if she’s engaged or what-have-you’s. I just hope she’s happy (naks!!) wherever she is. As of this writing, there’s a terrible earthquake that occurred in New Zealand (the country) and I hope she and her family are not affected greatly.

So what did I learn from all this? Actually, a lot. This experience made me stronger and braver. It became my template on how to approach and talk to girls ( I had to re-learn the techniques again later on…) Looking back again, I felt I courted her for the wrong reasons. I only approached her after I knew she has a thing for me. I don’t know, it just felt cruel. I guess you should court someone if you do really have a thing for her, not because of what you’ve heard from a fellow classmate. And, oh, I’ve also learned how to act in front of your pursued girl’s folks.

But don’t feel bad for what happened to me. Fate can be weird sometimes. Even though I didn’t snag New Zealand, I became cozy to her best friend. But that’s another story…

Fear, Collecting and Writing...

Even if it doesn't look like I'm busy updating this blog, I always devote some time checking myFacebook page, my deviantart page (where I update my journal more often, even if it's short. you can check it even if you don't have an account with them , which is good.) and checking my favorite, non-porn website. And also porn.

Lately I've been on the edge. Ever since my girlfriend and I watched this certain horror movie (trust me when you don't want to know what the movie is) that borders more on grotesque operation (think the movie SAW) than cold-blooded murder. It's a heavily flawed movie, but it did get my imagination good. I've been a little scared when it's evening and the lights go down . I feel like they're at our comfort room, the darkest place in our studio room.Whenever I would close my eyes I open it again to see if someone is there. I remedied that by sleeping on the other side, but whenever I would take a leak I open the lights at the CR. I know, I know, it's really stupid, juvenile and there are no ghosts at our place. It's just that I have a hyperactive imagination and I can't stop thinking about stuff. Now I know how Calvin from comic strip Calvin and Hobbes feels. Now I enjoy company here, even my irritating sister when she comes home from work. Now it's waded a little bit, hopefully I'll get it out of my system . But it ranks up there with Sadako andParanormal Activity on the "Scared-Sh*tless -Out-Of-Sleep" category.

One of the things that's taking my mind off the scary stuff is my rekindled love for collecting toys. I have to thank my college friend for that, since he has a job that has more monetary benefits (feels good, right, friend?) and wanted to buy stuff for his collection. Now I have someone I can talk to more often than usual about collecting stuff, how to take care of them and the like. Heck, here are some of my newest additions to my collection:

My collections include die-cast cars (mostly hot wheels and the model '57 Chevy) and action figures from Marvel andDC Comics. I have went through their price increases (e.g. from 69.99php to 99.99php on Hot Wheels and 349.99php to 1,200php on DC Universe Classics) and the wonderful technology on them (e.g. a Transformers toy has more articulation now) I'm recently taking a liking toTransformers (preferably the kind that has a Voltes V-like setting, where a couple of robots form into one gigantic robot) Now, the biggest question could be: why collect? For me, I would prefer these things be my "furniture" or "conversation pieces" than some stupid vase or a window. When I was also a kid I have few friends, so I play epic stories by myself using my action figures and stuffed toys bought and won by my dad. I had a lot of fun there and this could be a way of remembering that. Hey, to each his own.

Recently also my officemates have been on reading frenzy ever since they have accidentally discovered a book at the office written by this Jay Panti guy. He writes about his experiences with school, women and life. He writes well and feels like he is amalgamation of your numerous past friends. For me, what my officemates like about him is his dozen escapades with his women. He feels like a modern Casanova. Honestly, I don't believe much in his stories but I like the section where he features some old tried-tested jokes. Some of them I haven't heard before. Because of him, I feel like writing my own memoir of the girls I've caroused and who"basted" me. Maybe next time...

-"the king"

Stuck...

It's easy to lay off, to just slack around and doing whatever your heart wants to. But life is never easy, and you need to make up for the time you wasted. And making up those time is never easy. I learned that the hard way when I wasn't able to finish my project for Home Economics or whatever it is called back in grade school. It was a weaved basket and I wasn't really good at it so I wasn't able to start immediately and in the end, I got a failed score and a scolding from my parents. Since then I opted to do things in advance because rushing things isn't always easy.

With that said, sometimes it's hard to just "do it". Not the sex part, but doing things you like. Procrastination gets the better of you. I wanted to do some art crap but lately I'm not in the mood. No matter how hard I tried, my sketches are sloppy. There are also distractions, like internet, Facebook, dvds and catching up on lost sleep. Whenever I'm doing something mundane I think of what I need to do after. But when I sit on the table BANG I get zilch. I totally get stuck and the end product is terrible. It's like forgetting to buy a carton of milk when you're taking a leisure walk. (hhmmmm... that could be a movie. Or it already is...)

For some reason, I'm glad that I still have my assignments from my father's newspaper. There are deadlines that I need to finish, so I need to think fast and do the article/editorial cartoon in a short period of time. That at least gets my gears running. But make no mistake, I pour a lot on those assignments and I always make sure they look/read good. It's just that I wanted to do something I really want to do, like my indie comic book.

I'm just hoping that I'll get out of this "stuck" situation soon... Posting it on my blog gets some results. (don't believe me? I wrote here that I wish my girlfriend and I would be able to visit Boracay. Last March we were able to. ) Until then, I'll probably level up more on Facebook app CarTown...

-"the king"

KIDS...

With my birthday already long and gone, I'm gettin' older and wiser (maybe) and losing a bit of hair as well. I know, I know it is a rather sad sight to see, but I'm still counting my blessings.

Now with age comes some pretty big decisions, naturally, we think of the future and what it holds. Career tracks, money burdens and kids. Most especially kids. I'm really thinking of that one more these days. Why? Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not a kids person. I'm not that guy who talks gibberish at a baby (i.e. aawww ajuju baba nananaa???? like the baby understands that. really now?) I sometimes hate when kids ask a lot of questions up to the point that they want you get irritated and they just laugh at you. And the part where you can spend a lot of money on diapers, education and hospital bills on them. This affects me because I'm a known cheapskate. ( heck, I'll probably be like actor Terry Crews' character on the comedy series Everybody Hates Chris as a dad.), And don't even get me started on their personal hygiene. I know this is rather mean, but I'm just telling the hard truth...

Still, even with all the bad stuff about them (HAH! now I'm treating them like stuff.) I want to have kids. I want to spread my gene pool and talk to them about life, death and finding the right friends. Y'know, that kind of stuff. After all, I can be a preacher at times. So you could say I like kids, just my kids.

Rants: Linkin Park's new album takes a lot of time gettin' used to, but it's very rewarding. They're best listened when you listen to all of the tracks. Listening to just one track does injustice to the mood that they're setting for. I hope that these local cable channels bring back G4 TV's Attack of the Show. I love their varied topics and most especially Olivia Munn. I've just recently taking a liking to Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. I like how he can almost speak to anyone...

-"the king"

Lessons...

Drawing my indie comic, playing Car Town on Facebook (want to own the 57 Chevy Bel-Air, even if it's a virtual ride) and pretty much downloading new songs on my large laptop (but with a huge QWERTY keyboard) comprises of my leisure time. Work still has it's hazards, but at least I'm earnin' money to buy some good stuff... like load for my broadband connection...

Out of this leisure time sometimes life gives you something that throws you off guard. I've learned that when I committed my 246th (I'm just counting randomly...) mistake. They do say that you have to prepare for every possible scenario. But no matter how much you prepare, something really throws you off guard... You gotta admire the unpredictability

of life...

That's why I give this advice to my (2) readers... prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You know what they say, "Experience is the hardest teacher... she gives the test before the lesson." I know it's weird for me to get preachy, but I have a problem that's been bugging me for months now. And it's close to home, so it's really hard to run from it. Not that I can't handle anyway, "Life will not give you a problem that you can't solve" as they say... but I hope it will be over. Posting it at my blog sometimes takes the heat off of things. And, oftentimes, solves it all of a sudden... Unpredictability....

Rants: Love the new all-girl band General Luna, they know how to play instruments (insert green "instrument" Hah!!!) and can ROCK!!! Man on man, I just recently discovered actress Bangs Garcia's dance moves on youtube and they're damn hot!!! Some of the best websites that I visit are this (a good comic book-related website with some gosh-darn opinions on new stories and events, plus there's also some japanese manga thrown in there as well, so it's the best of both worlds...) here ( a true-blue Alex Ross fansite. I don't know how this guy gets all of his cash for these type of goodies...) and this (this fellow indie artist talks anything, ranging from his works to patriotic stuff as well...)

Lastly, I stumbled into this comic that is so darn cute and a homage to Bill Watterson's seminal Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. Lex looks so cute here...

-"the king"

FUNNY...

Not really busy with anything, it's just that it's rather hard to make a very concise blog. What I'm busy at is slacking off at my Facebook and deviantart accounts. They can be very addicting.

Besides losing weight, going to America to attend either San Diego Comic Con or E3 and doin' Bangs Garcia, one of my greatest wishes is to make people laugh. Even though I have the knack to do that in front of my colleagues, sometimes it's a hit-and-miss. My jokes can be corny. What I'm really opting for is a performance like Chris Hardwick, the host from G4's Web Soup. The show is about a collection of the weirdest, funniest and downright disturbing videos found on the internet. I love how he has a witty remark on all of them. (coincidentally, he provided the voice for Otis, the smart-talking cow from the spin-off series Back at the Barnyard, which I also love)

I hope in the years that follow I would be able to do that. Heck, I have ideas for a late-night TV talk show, like what Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien and Jojo Alejar are doing. I mean, I have a funny remark from every current event that is happening. It's the delivery that I'm worried about...

Rants: I was reminded of the Disney Channel animated series American Dragon and I'm appalled at the stereotyping of the characters. There is an African-American woman who talks like a rap star and the protagonist talking like a skater-poser. Lame. Someone needs to cut Justin Bieber's ridiculous hairdo. Paging Edward Scissorhands... And I want to play Beer Pong.

-"the king"

GoodByes...

No, no, I'm not sayin' goodbye to this blog. Although I have to admit I have a few fanbase, this is still very close to my heart and one of my few personalized webpages that I still update. After all, the world still offers lot of crap and stuff that irritating I vent out on this blog...

Let me first tell you a short story totally related to what I'm talking about on this post: I was browsing the 'net and checking on some porn and some old websites that I check back in college that is not related to porn and I remember a website about my favorite artist named Jeremy "Norm" Scott who does a videogame-related comic on my favorite magazine, Electronic Gaming Monthly. Found a new link to his works (which can be found here) , and I was totally shocked that Electronic Gaming Monthly, or EGM for short, canceled their paper run and instead opted to go the way of digital media (or e-'zine) OMG!!! My favorite magazine which has some very funny and brutally honest editorial content is DEAD!!! Well, not really dead, but paper magazines are still my preferred reading material.

So, in relevance to this, I present to you my list of other R.I.P. thingies (sorry, can't characterize it)

Friendster. Man oh man. That was the day that I looked at some sexy pictures of female strangers and where I started blogging. It had a good run. Now Facebook is the thing. I'm guessing by 2015 there will be another social-network site that will topple Facebook...
PS1, PS2, PSP. This is very sad. I'm a gamer. Because of work, I don't have time to play racing, fighting or adventure games anymore. I fondly remember playing the latest version of Tekken, Need for Speed: Underground, the Crash Bandicoot games before it was sold to a crappy developer and Ridge Racer. Now I settle for cellphone games and daily visits on Timezone arcade since they only took a little of my time. And speaking of cellphones...

Nokia 3200. Call it a piece of crap design on the keypad (looking like a small fingernail) but I loved it. This was the time that I had lots of cellphone load and I don't have anyone to text with so I just downloaded some games. I especially liked the Dragon Knight game. It was so deep for a cellphone game. Not sure who the developer was...

So there. I bid a sad, tear-wrenching farewell to these thingies. I'm sure I have a lot more on my head, but these are the ones that popped in my head... Until then, I also bid,

Goodbye...

- "the king"